The past two days/nights…

Yesterday (Tuesday actually since this is now Thursday morning!), was going to be a quiet type of day. Just another day of my going to the Dr. , yeah another Neurologist’s visit. It had only been three months since I’ve seen him. Would he be wearing a bow tie again? Would I get an answer as to how long I’ll be doing the chemo treatment? What happens when I have my surgery, will the M.S. attack me like the last time. I don’t want to ‘fly off the bed’ like in the movie the Exorcist (except no pea soup or my head doing the 360 degree turn)?

While filling out the S.A.T. questions that I get to fill out each time I’m there. Not sure how to answer some of the questions,,, ‘Do you have pain?’ Yes/No. Well, I do, but I don’t know if it’s due to the Multiple Sclerosis or the Fibromyalgia or gee I have no clue. ‘Do your eyes get blurry?’ Yes/No. ‘Uhmmm well yeah, but is that due to the M.S., using the computer for a little bit, am I tired, or is it my age?’ “Do your ears ring?” ‘Hmm another good question, is that due to the M.S. or my left ear that has a slight loss of hearing. Ooops now there is a question is my slight loss of hearing due to my M.S? Forgot to ask the Dr. that one, I always seem to forget to ask the Neurologist that question.

While I was going through these questions, there was a News interruption on the T.V. There had been a shooting in a town not too far from where I live. At first they thought only two people were killed, but there had been a total of nine including the shooter.  Why was I the only one in the Dr’s office paying attention to this? What is wrong with these people? Then with the stupid memory of mine, I had forgotten to ask the Neurologist if he had heard about what happened. Now with the memory, that is due to the M.S.! Yeah, one question I had an answer, even though I forgot to ask the Dr. if he knew. I did bring up my memory not being the greatest though.

Tonight on a good note, the  news was talking about Kevin Costner who was rescuing dogs who were in shelters and were going to be euthinized only for the reason was for them not being adopted. Yet, he brought them on a private plane from Canada, and brought them to the U.S. where they are going into No Kill Shelters. Even one of the pilots on the plane adopted one of the dogs! As you can guess I am an animal lover. Matter of fact as I type this, my dog is on my lap.

So while I am sad about what happened in Manchester, Connecticut with the shootings, and that my Neurologist telling me that I may be having the chemotherapy for a year (oh goodie… 8 more months of this!), I can’t complain. I have some of my family left, even though they are in New York. I have my dog on my lap, and when I go to bed in a bit, my cat will make his way onto the bed and sleep on my tummy.  Do I believe in my being innocent for all this? No, I don’t. Do I believe that bad things only happen to bad people? Not by a long shot. Not now, not ever.

Been a while since I’ve been here

Wow, I can’t beleive how long it’s been since I’ve been here.  Guess I’ve been busy!

Ok, first of all, I have to say I love you to my new cousins… my cousin Erik had married his sweetie Natalie, and her family is as crazy as ours so we all get along well! Also my cousin Marissa had married her sweetie Jason, Jason I hope to meet you soon.

I got my info on the Sea Turtle I adopted, her name is LuLu (which fits me so perfectly!), and when I went on her ‘site’ I found out that right now she is in Maryland. Isn’t that cool??

Speaking of cool,,, Snoopy de Dog had gotten his fur cut. He looks so adorable! He still thinks he can take on any size dog. We ‘met’ a Great Dane – now you have to remember Snoopy is part Shitzu part Pug – he has the Shitzu fur and the Pug body. So meeting with a Great Dane was an interesting thing,,, Snoopy decided he was ‘bigger’ than the Great Dane. So there was Snoopy barking, and the Great Dane just looked at Snoopy like he was crazy! It was ‘ok, so you can bark, and that means ‘what’ to me! It was so funny!

Not to leave Dooley Cat out of this, since I am back from the weekend, Dooley (as well as Snoopy) gets very nervous if I leave the room/apartment. Dooley thinks I won’t be back, so he has been ‘talking’ to me a lot more now. As well as being on top of me when I start to go to sleep.

I’m not sure if Snoopy and Dooley have noticed that I had gotten my hair cut/dyed/and highlighted. Yep, I went all out this time! There isn’t  a hair on my head that is any of my original color. Oh my goodness me! I still can’t get used to it yet.

I have helped out with another M.S. fundraiser and had a blast again. The people who do the runs, walks, rides for this make me feel so humble. I love being able to shake their hand for doing things I can’t do. Then they tell me they were glad they could.

I’m still doing the chemo. I do have to admit the deal about ‘Third time is a charm’ well they lied! I had the worst of all side effects this time. I have to remember when I go the next time to bring my medication for migraines with me. This one really hit me hard, it took me three days to come back from that.

Oh my goodness, I just saw what time it is… I need to try to get some sleep. I have to wake up in six hours,,, I have Physical Therapy. Ugh!!!!! I’ll try not to wait so long to write next time.

Good bye George

Well, we knew it would happen, but not sure how or when it would happen. How would the world take it? Or should I say how would the baseball players and fans take it? George Steinbrenner passed away today. I need to say that I really didn’t like the Yankees due to him.

You see I go back to the times, six times I think in which he hired/fired Billy Martin. I know taking back Billy was a tough thing. Billy was an alcoholic, which didn’t go over well with ‘The Boss’.  So he would hire him, then fire him, then do it again.

Billy wasn’t the only one he had done it to. He would also go after his players by ‘buying’ them. He would go and yell at the players, would even  question many of his managers and even told the players at times to not listen to the managers.

He was tough to play for, and but his people found out how to love him. The people who knew him best – his managers, the coaches, the players are saying he left on one of the most perfect days for baseball, the day of the All Star game. I’m sure, George, Billy, Micky Mantle, Joe Dimagio, and other players who have passed, will all be sitting around smoking cigars, drinking beers, and laughing about the game and enjoying it.

Here’s to you George  – Let’s Go Yankees

Ok, so Snoopy had his turn, now it’s mine,,, I am Dooley!

Ahhh so now you know that I am a real cat! Snoopy is a real dog, but Mama didn’t put his picture in for his post.

Yes, my real name is Dooley, I have no clue why the person who found me and took care of me, named me that, but I do know that on the ride from New York where Mama had gotten me to my new home in Connecticut, Mama sang the song “Hang Down Your Head Tom Dooley” for almost two hours straight! She thought that it would calm me down, but, it didn’t.

I may have the same colorings as my brother Snoopy, and we may be the same age, but that is pretty much where we are the same. Well, ok, we both like being in Mama’s lap, but I am kind enough to let Snoopy get up there when Mama is sitting in her chair. Most of the time that happens, I am looking out the window to see what is going out in the world. I don’t go outside. Before I was found, some kind of animal, had gotten a  hold of me, and we fought. I still have some scars on my nose, there are still some patches on my body, and my left ear has been sewn down.

I tend to ‘crawl’ up on Mama when she is in bed. Dad, though won’t let me crawl all the way up her so I can give her kisses. I have to wait until he is asleep for me to do that. Mama has said she likes when I do that. I try not to give her rough kisses when I kiss her cheeks or chin. Mama will pet me, and tell me I’m a good ‘kitty’, and at times I’ll start to purr loudly.

I talk to Mama, and Snoopy, and they seem to understand me, daddy doesn’t seem to grasp ‘cat talk’ though. Snoopy will bark back at me. Then again the silly dog will let me jump on top of him, or ‘nip’ him and he will look at Mama for help. So, Mama will yell at me for nipping on Snoopy. I think he’s a tattletale! I figure after three years of us being together, I should let Snoopy know who is boss.  He may be a little taller and heavier than me, but I rule. I have to,,,, I am the cat!!kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk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Quiet for a few days

I’m sure some of you were happy that I’ve been quiet the past few days, but I’m back. Not sure for the better, but I’m here.

For the past few years the month of July has been a bit ‘hard’ on me. My dad’s parents both passed away in the month of July, I wasn’t even a ‘sparkle’ in my parents eyes yet. My grandfather passed away one year and one day after my grandmother did. If I didn’t know better, I would have said he waited for the year of ‘shiva’ was over.

While I was waiting to hear when my mother’s brother’s funeral would be (yes, he died last week, which now leaves my mom being the only one left of her six siblings), I had gotten a notice from the cemetary where my grandparents are buried, that on July 9th, I need to light a candle for my grandfather. I knew the one for my grandmother would be soon, and so it was. I get to light the candle for my grandmother, the woman I was named for on July 14th.  I’m still debating on lighting a candle for my dad on his birthday on July 12th. I light candles for my dad on March 3rd as well as the Jewish calendar date of his death.

So, even though, we all celebrate July 4th with parades and fireworks, I stayed home, watched the fireworks on T.V. I thought of the last time I had seen fireworks with my dad. My folks were living in Connecticut and I was living in New York. My friend came with me for a drive to CT to visit my folks, and my dad was in a happy mood and for the first time in a long time, he wanted to see fireworks. Who was I to disappoint my dad about this.

He drove us to a town in which was having the fireworks, we found a great place to sit. There was music playing then around 9:00 pm the fireworks started. All the wonderous sights, and sounds and everybody going ‘ooooh ahhh’. We didn’t realize when we sat down that we would be covered in ash from the fireworks! I started to laugh, but my folks and my friend weren’t so happy. You see, I don’t have a sense of smell, I haven’t had one since I was  a child, but the three of them were saying how much they stank and couldn’t wait until we got back to my parents place so they could get into the shower.

The thing is, even with the smell, we watched and waited until the end of the show. I was once a little girl being so excited being with my dad and watching the fireworks. Even after the years that have gone past, I still remember that night. I miss my dad, even my grandparents even though they passed away before I was born. I miss my uncle even though my aunt refused to have me anywhere near the cemetary on the day my uncle was being buried.

I know that many people believe that July is a great month, yet, it is a tough month for me.

My name is Snoopy De Dog!

Ok, so I have come on this silly machine that mama calls a computer. I sit in her lap most of the time she is on this – guess it’s a good thing mama calls it a ‘laptop’, but I am The Lap Dog!

I know that Dooley The Cat, thinks mama’s lap is good to sit and sleep on too, but he can do that when she’s in bed, I’m not allowed to do that. I don’t think that is fair, in our other apartment, I used to sleep in mama’s bed, but dad won’t let me sleep there anymore.

I love to get into mama’s lap, it’s nice and comfy, and she even puts a blanket over her legs so I can get even more comfy. Mama said that she hopes I like her lap after she has surgery. I don’t like when mama goes into the hospital. She is either gone for a few hours or a few days, or even a few weeks. When she is gone for a week or more, dad can bring me to see her, so that is good. Dooley though, has to stay home.

When mama goes to see grandma and sleeps over, I can go, but again, Dooley  has to stay home. Dooley doesn’t like being in the car, even when we have to go to the vet! He ‘meows’ really loud! Even when mama is singing.

Well, I am trying to tell mama that I have to go out, so I’m going to send this out to whoever reads it! Woof woof!

 

Grudges…

I lost a family member this week, he had been very ill for a while, so we knew it would be happening soon. His son had come to pick him up to stay with him and his family. You see, my uncle never liked being in airplanes, so my cousin came to pick him up and drive him to Florida to be with him and his family. 

My uncle had been the youngest of seven, and the only son that my grandparents had. My mother, is the youngest daughter, and now the only living sibling. My mother who does not have tear ducts can not cry, yet, she is very hurt. Other than my brothers, my son, my nieces and nephews and my cousins, mom is now the oldest and the most frail. She will say she is strong to the male members of the family, but to me, she tells me about her being in pain, about how much she misses her family.

There is a huge grudge with my uncle’s family – my aunt (his wife) and my cousins (his sons). I have found out this morning how huge this grudge is when my oldest brother called me to tell me there is a private funeral tomorrow and not many people are being invited. I have been told I am not invited, nor should I be near the cemetary. My son, may or may not be there, it depends on if he can get off from work. The only reason he would be ‘invited’ would be to help my brother get my mother in/out of the car. My oldest brother told me in which cousins were not invited, to save his breath, he should have just said the one cousin who was invited. She is close to my aunt, my oldest brother is invited due to he is helping that cousin with her finances since her husband passed away last year. My other brother is invited due to he is very close to my uncle’s youngest son. 

It hurts that I will not be there. I wanted to be there for my mother. I will go and see my mom and stay with her for a couple days. If I had a grudge as my uncle’s family does, then I would go to the cemetary, and ‘visit’ where my father is buried. I know he will be near where my uncle will be buried. I won’t do that though, since I don’t want to make a scene and cause trouble with for my mother.       

Grudges as much as I would love to say are good to hold on to, but in the end, when it counts, get rid of them, drop them, do whatever it is, do it so that you don’t have it be there where you can’t be there for those who need you. Or who you may need.

How does one deal with death?

When one hears about a family or a friend dies, how do you deal with it? If you already have depression, then your depression gets worse. Yet, you want to ‘be there’ to support others, meaning your family and/or your friends.

When my grandmother passed away, I was a little over three months pregnant, so my hormones were going up and down anyway. So, having my last grandparent pass away, was a huge thing for me. She wouldn’t see her 17th great grandchild, she didn’t even know I was pregnant, yet I was selfish, I wanted her to hold my baby in her arms as she had done with everybody else.

I cried very much at her funeral. I was standing next to my dad, my grandmother had told him that he now was the ‘boss’ of the family even though she had daughters and a son living. My dad, had told me that I was making a fool of myself due to my crying. He looked at my mom who wasn’t crying at all, and it was her mother who we were burying that day. I couldn’t help but cry though. I did my best, but it was hard.]

My mom can’t cry, she doesn’t have tear ducts. So, in a way I feel like I am not only crying for me, but I’m crying for her. When my dad passed away, I was a wreck. I had been with him the last week he was alive, but I wasn’t with him when he did pass away. I did my best not to cry out loud like I did with other members of our family. I was trying to make my dad ‘proud’ of me. Which is why I didn’t cry loud at his funeral. There have been many times in the little over three years since my dad passed away. There are a few things that will kick in, that will make me want to call my dad about, but instead I look at and talk to him that way.

I will admit that I am a wreck on his birthday, and the date of which he passed away. Father’s Day, isn’t as bad as I thought it would be now. Yet the other two days, I don’t want to talk to anybody, I don’t want to be with anybody, I am a little bit of a wreck.

I found out yesterday that somebody passed away. My older brother left a message for me about it, but I was out and didn’t have my phone with me, I left it in the car. I called him and he asked if I had gotten his message, and I said not yet since I wasn’t home. He gave a disgusted sound, and told me what happened. While he was talking to me, he was playing poker. He was upset that I interrupted the game.

I called my mom to tell her how sorry I was about happened. I  heard the hurt and pain in my mom’s voice, so I cried some more. Nothing I could say would be able to take away the hurt. When I called her earlier today, the same thing happened. I asked her if she would like me to stay with her for a couple of days after the funeral. She told me that would be very nice, and that she needed me. So more than likely I will be in New York for a few days. My boyfriend will be home, he can’t be there that long, he has a feeling there is going to be more problems so he will be at home with the pets.

I know I will cry at the funeral, not just for me, but for my mom as well.

Three choices,,,,

Ok, yesterday I wasn’t feeling all that great, well, really it was the second day/night in a row when things just didn’t ‘seem’ right. I mean I knew that I wasn’t having a heart attack, yet there was something wrong. So, I did what I had been told by my health insurance to do, call the Nurse 24/7 hotline.

I gave the nurse the list of medications that she didn’t read off to me from her computer screen. Then I went on to answer her questions, but she was getting impatient with me when I couldn’t answer some of the questions with just a ‘yes’ or ‘no’. I’m sorry, I have Multiple Sclerosis, the numbness in my feet and hands weren’t anything new. I know I have a problem with my esophagus, which is why I’m telling you this, I have a hitial hernia that is ulcerated, I’ve had it for 3o years, but since last October it started growing and now has been nice enough to pull my stomach up over my lungs.

Yes, I can tell you why I’m calling. I’m calling to see if you know of something I can take that will stop me from ‘belching’ out the A,B,C’s like somebody who has had too many beers. I feel like I have enough gas in me to get me to California and I live in Connecticut! No I didn’t wait until after hours on purpose. I waited since it wasn’t this bad yesterday or earlier today.

Do I think I can get to the hospital? Uhmm yeah, but do I really need to know how to get there? Oh… you are going to give me ‘three choices’ about this. Gee thank you so much! The first is if I can get somebody to take me there; if not, do I have a way of calling 911 (let’s see, if I called an 800# I think I can dial 911), or if I don’t have either options, she could call 911 for me.

So, silly me, asked the next question,,, ‘why’? The answer was pretty easy,,,’You need to get to the hospital.’ Ok, let’s try this again,,,’Why?’

‘So the Dr’s can find out what is wrong with you?’

‘What is wrong with me?’

‘If I knew that I wouldn’t be sending you to the hospital. So, let me ask again. Do you think you can either find somebody to take you to the hospital? If not, can you call 911? Or do you need me to call 911 for you?’

I asked my boyfriend who was in the next room if he could drive me to the hospital or should I call 911? He said he could drive me, he came looking at me with a question in his eyes.

Before I could hang up on the call the nurse told me somebody would contact me in 48 hours to see what happened. Okie dokie. We get out to the car, it’s a nice night out. I called the E.R. just to see how long of a wait it would be in the E.R. and was told an hour and a half. Wonderful.

We get to the E.R. met by Security, asking if I need a wheelchair, after my boyfriend had just gotten my walker out of the back seat of the car. I just looked at him, and he said “You might be more comfortable in the wheelchair considering how long it will take to be seen.”

“Sure I’ll take the wheel chair, sorry about you having to fight with the walker.”

The nice and friendly Security Guard had wheeled me to the ‘check in’ desk. I have her all the information. I did ask if I could get some oxygen in ‘triage’ and was told ‘No’. Alright. Within 10 minutes a very young nurse called my name (there were only two of us in the waiting area, my boyfriend and myself), he came over to me and wheeled me into what I call the ‘interrogation’ room. I answered all the questions, then when it came down to my list of medications, I just pulled the list out of my wallet. My boyfriend updates a copy once a month if needed, if not, he’ll just print out more for me for when I go to the Dr’s.

A quarter of the way through the questions, another nurse comes out and takes over. I wasn’t sure what that was about, and to be honest, I really didn’t need to know. I was wheeled into an exam room thinking ‘Hey, this is great, it’s only been about 20 minutes for all this to take place not an hour and a half!’ Oh how silly am I?

Another nurse comes in, tells me to get undressed – but I’m just wearing my night shirt and a pair of slacks. I still have to get undressed though. Great, it hurts to move, and I have to get changed. I wasn’t hooked up to anything, the nurse said the Dr. would see me soon. Two hours later, another nurse came in to draw blood. I still hadn’t seen a Dr. yet, but she had to draw blood. She already knew I was a ‘tough stick’, I guess that is notated in all of my chart about that. I asked her if she couldn’t get it after the first try could she use warm towels – which is what I had been told a few times already, but she told me they didn’t have any of those. So, I told her that I had also been told to ask somebody from I.V. department, and she said she was ‘it’. I took a long deep breath, again something that hurt.

She finally got the I.V. in after three times (you are supposed to get another nurse or somebody else if one nurse can’t get it after two times), then I was taken down for a CATSCAN. I still hadn’t seen a Dr. yet. I even asked the nurse who was doing the I.V. to me if I was going for a CATSCAN and she said ‘No’, then she called X-Ray to come and take me for my CATSCAN.

About two hours after the CATSCAN, the Dr. finally comes to see me. He asks how I’m doing, and I told him not that great. So, he said he was going to give me something to help me with the gas. Also he told me that he couldn’t see too much in my esophagus since it was ‘clogged’. I already know what the X-Ray technician told me – he had taken four x-rays, and he still didn’t get the full extent of my stomach since it is up so high on my lungs. He called down to the Dr. to tell him that and asked the Dr. if he wanted anymore pictures and the Dr. said ‘no’.

throughout all of this, I start to get very itchy. Wonderful! I tell the nurse who took over for the one who did the I.V. Plus I let this nurse know that the I.V. wasn’t dripping since I had my CATSCAN. Lovely,,,, here we go again,,, have to try to put in a new I.V.  I also show her the rash that is recent, but itches very badly.

The nurse goes out to get the I.V. tray and tries twice (after she pulled the first needle out, which is bent), then tells me she is going to talk to the Dr. since she will not try to stick me again (Yeah a nurse who knows the rules!).

By the time we got out of the hospital it was 7:00 am and we had gotten there at 10:30 pm. There was the quick pit stop to the 24 hour drugstore to get the two medications from the Dr. One is to help with the gas, and the other is for the rash. I also have to call my Dr. to let him know what happened.

To be honest, if this happens again, I’m not calling the 24/7 nurse or go to the hospital. I was so wiped out and I have a nice bruise on my arm from one of the attempts to do the I.V.

Rain,,,nice when you are inside any other than outside or in a car

It’s been about 15 years or so, when my brain has decided that the only safe place to be when it rains, is inside. It doesn’t matter how much it rains, I do not want to be outside in it, nor in the car either. I remember one time calling home on my way from work, I begged my son to home when I got there. He kept asking why, I figured with the quiver in my voice my have given him a ‘slight’ hint.

I don’t mind thunder, I do have a major fear if that is that what you want to call it with lightning. That though is my brother’s fault (this is my brother who is 8 years older than me), whenever there was a storm, he would sneak up behind then jump at me. I would tell my folks, and the response would always be ‘He’s just teasing you – grow up already”  Yeah right he wasn’t their babysitter when they were at work. He was my babysitter and would chase me out of the house and I’d have to run to a neighbor to ‘protect me’.

Then there had been a time in which I was out of work for a few years and  I’d have to drive to Fort Lee, NJ to get Unemployment. It was the first time for me having to go out on Unemployment, and even though I lived in NY at the time, it was due to the company I worked for was in New Jersey. This happens to be the same company in which I worked on the computer for the first time.

What I didn’t tell, was that while I was working through the Temporary Agency, my brother worked for the parent company, but he worked in Mexico at the time. No problem for me I wasn’t working for the company at that time. Then I got hired – I had to let Human resources know where my brother worked. Still no problem – Yeah!

Then ‘it’ happened. He moved back to the states and took over as Head of Human Resources for the entire company which included where I worked. Now once again I have to go to Human Resources and explain their boss was now my big brother.

Luckily I didn’t look too much like him, so if people were looking at him then to me they never would have  known we were related, even better!

One way of my brother – (now Mr. H.R.) would get information to the company employees wouldn’t be by email, or letters in the mail, or phone messages, he would do it by video. I tried to beg off to going to these things by saying I had so much work to do, but since everybody in the company  had to see these videos, I would be sitting there with my eyes closed throwing darts at him. Hey, I knew they wouldn’t hurt him! One of the times though that I did look, I saw he had the same pictures of his two children that I had on my desk. What can I say?? I was a proud Aunt! When the video was over, I went to my desk and moved the pictures of my niece and nephew in a different area that wasn’t totally seen.

Ok, back to my being on unemployment and driving in the rain. About four or five months that big brother had his job, there were 300 people laid off, just like that! If you got tapped on your shoulder you were told you were now let go. The rest of us had no clue what was going on. We didn’t find out until 3:00 that afternoon. There were 200 of us left. Again, the only people who knew I was related to the ‘Head Honcho’ was Human resources, so he didn’t know yet, that I was one of the ‘lucky’ ones  to stay on for a little big longer. Those of us who were that lucky were asked if we wanted to move to IL since there was an office there that was hiring. I knew I couldn’t do that. I was going through my divorce, I couldn’t take my son out of the state without going to court. On this day it started to rain on the way home.

I’m not superstitious about rain (Just Friday the 13th), but I was crying knowing that I have to find a job and find one soon. I was a single mom now, I have to worry about taking care of my son, car insurance, health insurance, paying for the ‘hand-me-down’ car from my dad (which I think I paid for three times!), storage where all my things were from when I moved out of my apartment to start taking care of mom and dad, things my son needed for school,,, the list just kept going on. I guess I had put my foot on the gas pedal a little too hard, I hydroplane. Not fun, since I almost ended up in a wooded area.

Just when I thought things couldn’t get worse, as soon as I got home, started dinner for my son, the phone rang. I was hoping that it was my folks letting me know they had gotten to California ok – they had left that afternoon. My luck, it was Big Brother, he wanted to see how I was doing.

“Gee Jerry, uhm how do you think I feel? I’ve worked for the company for five years, had overtime almost every week that I’ve been working there. Find out today that people who had gotten a ‘touch’ on their arm today no longer have a job. I’m not sure how much longer I will have a job. Thank you so much for closing my office big brother. Listen I am waiting for mom and dad to call me, so I’m hanging up.’

If only things went that easily. Big brother called five more times and since we didn’t have Caller Id at the time, I answered each call. Each call was making me more and more upset. The last call did it though,,,,

“Tell you what you do Shar, (oh oh, he’s calling me ‘Shar’ like in the word Share, he must wanted something Huge!), you tell mom and dad they would be better living in Florida, then I can get you into a Savings and Loan in Florida”

“Let me get this straight,,, you want ME?? to convince dad to move to Florida? I can’t convince dad it’s a bad day when there is a storm going on outside. There is no way I can convince him to move. Then there is mom, she won’t move away from Charlie or her sisters. Then there is another important piece of this,,,I can’t take David out of state without going to court. Not to mention this is a bad time for Savings and Loan, and I’m leaving a Mortgage Division. Once again, STOP Calling! If you call again, I will call the police and tell them I’m being harassed!”

That stopped him calling. Gee  why didn’t I think that at the start? The storm outside became worse. I’m in the house now alone with my son, then the power went out. Great! Just what I needed. I’m still waiting for my folks to call, we have no power, I’m going to be without a job soon, it’s thundering then this big flash of lightning happened and somebody was trying to get into the house. I told David this was going to be a game and for him not to say anything. I went to get the phone to call 911 and all of a sudden the flash of a light  bulb flashed on somebody’s face. I started to scream, and my son David came running in and he is laughing like crazy – it was Charlie! Once again, he scared me! I’m an adult this shouldn’t scare me. Yet my brother Charlie being himself, knows what buttons to push on me. My son meanwhile couldn’t stop laughing. He thought my brother was being funny. Maybe it’s a guy thing!

So, even now, even though I know Charile is in a different state than where I live, there is still this part of me in which my mind is just waiting for him to jump out at me. If I’m home, I have my dog and cat – well the can’ won’t do much, but the dog will bark like crazy. When I’m in the car I don’t have that.